Wednesday, May 30, 2012
When the heart is pulled from your body...where do you begin to trust again ?
Hello Faithful readers,
C'est Moi..feeling in a very bluesy mood today..it is almost the witching hour..Midnight..perhaps when it turns to become WED, I'll feel better. I've been fighting back the tears for hours now and fighting a losing battle with them. I thought censoring my blog at the "other site" was bad enough..I thought watching a friend be stalked by a lunatic was horrible..I thought losing a friend would be the worst I could go through..and I was right on that...It hurts like a son of a B...a deep , cavernous wound that feels like it will never close. I felt this same pain when my Best Friend Alex was taken from me by a massive heart attack. I can not replace her..or my Mom..or anyone I've lost to Heaven. What makes it even rougher is I did nothing to deserve the loss...I was the cheerleader..the whipping boy..the one who always believed in Him and his dreams..and now..a month has gone by and like the idiot I am, I sit and wait..perhaps today will be the day my friend speaks nicely to me..
I guess when we agreed to always be friends I thought he meant it as much as I did..At least I am glad our last "good" day together was April 19th and I got to say what was in my heart even though I was scared to death to say it..scared it would upset him/tick him off..My hands shook..my heart pounded so loudly I thought he could hear it...and I quietly typed..
"1 year or 1 thousand..I will always want and ache for you and feel the need to please you..and it will always be there " I waited..shaking and he typed back..We've been friends for 6 yrs..and this was a year anniversary of whatever else we "shared". I promised him early on that my feelings for him would never change but always, always, always be there..
"YESSSSS it will" he typed..Our last happy conversation ended on a happy passionate note. For that I will always be grateful.
Forgive me my tears...understand my heart is not only aching, the damm thing is shattered..I am so afraid I will never be able to trust anyone else ever again..6 years or 6 thousand, this kind of pain never dies..Perhaps one of these nights I will start sharing here how it all began...how it tragically ended..maybe even some of my erotica will find a home here and go back to where it belongs on the "other site".
Thanks for reading this..and for being here..Kind of feels like I am not alone..Close the door softly as you leave..Please.