Wednesday, May 30, 2012

When the heart is pulled from your body...where do you begin to trust again ?

Hello Faithful readers,

C'est Moi..feeling in a very bluesy mood is almost the witching hour..Midnight..perhaps when it turns to become WED, I'll feel better. I've been fighting back the tears for hours now and fighting a losing battle with them.  I thought censoring my blog at the "other site" was bad enough..I thought watching a friend be stalked by a lunatic was horrible..I thought losing a friend would be the worst I could go through..and I was right on that...It hurts like a son of a B...a deep , cavernous wound that feels like it will never close. I felt this same pain when my Best Friend Alex was taken from me by a massive heart attack. I can not replace her..or my Mom..or anyone I've lost to Heaven. What makes it even rougher is I did nothing to deserve the loss...I was the cheerleader..the whipping boy..the one who always believed in Him and his dreams..and now..a month has gone by and like the idiot I am, I sit and wait..perhaps today will be the day my friend speaks nicely to me..

I guess when we agreed to always be friends I thought he meant it as much as I did..At least I am glad our last "good" day together was April 19th and I got to say what was in my heart even though I was scared to death to say it..scared it would upset him/tick him off..My hands heart pounded so loudly I thought he could hear it...and I quietly typed..

"1 year or 1 thousand..I will always want and ache for you and  feel the  need to please you..and it will always be there " I waited..shaking and he typed back..We've been friends for 6 yrs..and this was a year anniversary of whatever else we "shared". I promised him early on that my feelings for him would never change but always, always, always be there..

"YESSSSS it will" he typed..Our last happy conversation ended on a happy passionate note. For that I will always be grateful.

Forgive me my tears...understand my heart is not only aching, the damm thing is shattered..I am so afraid I will never be able to trust anyone else ever again..6 years or 6 thousand, this kind of pain never dies..Perhaps one of these nights I will start sharing here how it all it tragically ended..maybe even some of my erotica will find a home here and go back to where it belongs on the "other site".

Thanks for reading this..and for being here..Kind of feels like I am not alone..Close the door softly as you leave..Please.




  1. You are not alone. Hugs hon. You will be able to trust again, if you really want to and you find someone worthy. It may take awhile, but it can happen.

    I can't believe he was stupid enough to let go of you. I'm kind of glad since I never thought he treated you right.

    I would love to stay away from pithy comments, but this one seems too appropriate. When one door closes, another opens. Perhaps this one needed to shut to leave you open to something new, exciting and much, much better for you.

    You should have called me. You know I have a big shoulder. Besides, I think my lil one would love to chat MH with you again.


  2. Hello My Friend,

    Oh God yes..I should've called rather then sit here and cry which is all I have managed for the past few days..One moment I am good, next I am devastated..It is the empty feeling of a lost friendship and never having closure or any answers. Empty is the only way to describe this feeling. Little Me, little Miss Perfect, spoiled bratty sugar Babyz..Lit Miss Sex Kitten overwhelmed at losing One man..I felt so bad for Sugar Daddy as he came into the computer room and wanted to take me out and I was busy closing windows and an IM which IT never responded to, and I made an off the cuff comment, not meant to be snarky but he took it that way, leaned down and kissed my cheek and apologized to me for my own rudeness..Sigh..I did manage a hug to him later and told him it was my own sadness and not his fault I was rude and I am sorry..Lucky for me he understands.

    Thank you for taking the time to post and share..means the world to me and I miss you my friend, I truly do.

    As my lovely pal in France says in regards to heartache...

    "un de perdu 10 de retrouvés", one lost, means 10 found"

    Except all I want is the friend I cared about..not 10 more like him or wannabes.